LOVE

I can turn up the sound,

to my heart,

so loud!

Find the peace of love there, drown out the rest.

God touched my heart just now, I was on the verge of crying and it wasn’t even necessary to do so. B/c I just can’t keep putting up with being mistreated or excuses as to why its suppose to be ok. I can’t keep defending myself or trying to help ppl know how to speak in love. I run! I will always run from it! So fast, like a hurricane, I will run from what is not love. I don’t want to be afraid of anger anymore. I am trying to turn to God in mine and not say anything I will regret. You can’t help someone else find that same path. You just can’t. I am not perfect but I’m learning fast not to return anger with anger and just to pray and walk away from it, actually to run from it! Run! Run run run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially when someone is pointing their wagging finger in your face…again. I can’t. I won’t.

It is crazy to me how God can turn me from anger to peace when in my anger I choose love and its not easy! I want to lash out and cause harm b/c I’m hurt but it doesn’t help me, it only hurts me and the other person that I care about and it is not worth it.

Can two broken ppl actually make it together? I don’t know. I really don’t. We are all broken in some way and sometimes I think we need to be broken together sometimes. Like in that song by Casting Crowns Broken Together.

I am just not sure I can handle everything always being turned around to cause harm to me. I don’t understand why love can’t win. Why you need to feel like hurting me is better than loving me. Why lashing out is better than soft words. Why treating me like I’m ridiculous is ok to you? Is that love?

Words are like knives to the heart. Thrown and thrown and thrown until I want to leave. I want to walk away. I want to believe that love is not suppose to harm each other. So if two personalities do this, how can we be ok together?

Kind words are suppose to turn away anger I guess. But they seem to just bring harsh words that make me cry and that doesn’t even matter? When you hurt someone to the point of tears you can’t do anything worse can you? You have already broken them! You have already made them cry! You can’t expect love to draw from that empty cup. Tears are hard to handle and when they fall it means I have finally come apart at the seams.

I am so far from perfect every stone could be cast at me. Yet love doesn’t cast stones.

Your being a little mean

Someone told me tonight that I’m being a little mean. It is sitting with me and I am trying to figure out how I was being mean. I don’t even know and some nights I’m to tired to figure it out. I’m doing the best I can. I don’t feel like that is ever good enough. Yet is it? I mean really? Is it good enough? Maybe that is in the person than sees you the most and what they think of you? I don’t know.

All these responsibilities keep looming over me. I feel tired and a little weighed down. I’ve been sick with and infection and its wearing me down, I got into a car accident and its going to cost a hefty deductible to fix my car. It was my fault. I am just mad at myself for being me lately. If that makes sense? This life is always going to have troubles. Always, God promises to give us the grace to cover each day of life’s troubles. Yet its my emotions that I’m afraid of.

I was wondering how I got so broken? Why am I so defensive? How do I heal when I don’t know where to begin? How do I change when I don’t know the root causes? I’m, at this point, lost into a sea of feeling to much, and wondering why I am being so judged. I don’t know. I literally don’t know.

If you know I’m always going to love you will that be alright? If I told you that I’m terrified of loss, b/c the last man I loved died, would that help you understand? It wasn’t perfect, but love is, love is perfect. So maybe if we choose love, we can do better than we ever have before. Maybe if we remember that love is the only way, we won’t let fear tear us apart. Maybe if love can win, we will decide its better than sin. B/c emotions are so fickle but love remains the same.

I love you.

Just a tear

They keep falling and it’s irritating at this point .

Tears!

Stop!

My mom disowned me again, for choosing love

I have no parents again, this is not new, it’s what I’m used to, but I still deserved an I love you in the actions behind your religious disguise.

I met him as a love struck young lady, wishing it wasn’t his heart I was designed for but knowing I was made to be his gifted treasure

Anyways, I told my mom and she said she can’t be my mom anymore bc she disowned me for loving a man that never left my heart.

No one has ever even asked me about him!

How did I feel when I lost him and his family???????? It broke me!!! I was broken!!!!! I was devastated and alone. I was so alone that I didn’t feel bad anymore when my parents shipped me off again, to my brothers this time.

I didn’t heal and I can’t say that I don’t understand what they are saying, Your not good enough. Your still not good enough. I know I’m not. I know I am not good enough for your love. Never was and never will be. I’m just me.

There’s a song called “When love takes you in” by Steven Curtis Chapman and it still makes me cry when I hear it. I just don’t have that yet. But I’m never going to stop hoping I will have that. I have that in my Abba FATHER but I don’t have that yet in the family he has chosen for me

Unconditional love.

Q

After/Learning to live again

After my life is over,

what is going to happen in the hearts of those I’ve been apart of?

Will they call me something beautiful or feel alot of hate?

I have to go pick up Jeff’s ashes and I am so conflicted. I feel like I’m suppose to just not feel anything at all. Then I know I’m suppose to just let it all in. Feel it while its present.

They will call me to make an appointment.

How does that happen? You are once here and the next moment, your ashes for someone to pick up?

It is just hard and a lot to process.

I don’t know where I am most of the time, just trying to be the best me I can be and that means a lot of sacrificing my feelings sometimes.

There just seems to be a lot of loss lately and sometimes I just want to hide. I just want some time to disappear and figure it out. Yet the truth is I can’t. I can’t hide and I can’t figure it all out. B/c time is just this, a simple gift, that is lived moment to moment. We are judged solely on those moments, whether those judgements are in love or in false interpretations. We are constantly judging and being judged. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments of Holy Spirit kind of love, where its just some kind of crazy compassionate understanding we are given, something we can have only by Gods grace.

I was just checking the stupid mail one day! And there it was! This stupid note, saying, he is ready to be disposed of, whether its by me picking him up or they could dump him in the sea, which is kinda cool I guess. Jeff wouldn’t care, he is in heaven rejoicing and praising his King now.

What do I do? I feel in such disarray.

I feel like there is no safe place to cry. That raw kind of crying, where it just falls like rain from your heart down your face. It is kind of beautiful that our tears come from our eyes, b/c our eyes are a window to something so much more, something inside that doesn’t end, and it makes sense to me that our tears come from within and run down the very window that sees it all.

I guess life is meant to be lived in our footprints in each others life.

Right now life just feels so scary, so lonely in the things I am trying to walk through and sometimes a spark of life and excitement is an unexpected gift.

Just learning how to live again.

Not sure how to do this

I am not sure what I am doing anymore. I am trying to grieve correctly. What does that mean? I have no idea. Suddenly my life seems to be so different and I feel like it opened up and swallowed me up and I’m just floating around in it, in lala land. Some days I can’t tell you much about the hours passing by, they just seem like a blur of a lot of emotions that come and go and change non stop. I think the truth comes from the place in my spirit that I can tell you honestly doesn’t make sense either. This phase of my life is like a soft space of Jesus carrying me, for whatever reasons I can trust that I am not lost, even though I feel like I am, I can’t be lost when I have no footprints, and LOVE is carrying me. I’m exactly where I am b/c I’m suppose to be here, right now, living in this moment. It is hard to understand the range of emotions that seem to take over when I am doing something simple. I went to the store today b/c I had to run a few errands and everything I said and heard myself saying, felt like I was invisible, was I not speaking very loud? Quite a few people didn’t respond to my thank you, or my excuse me, or my oh I’m sorry, I wondered if I was so high in my anxiety that maybe I just came across as weird or people just didn’t want to respond to kindness today. I guess we are all in this life trying to keep up with ourselves and not each other? I can say that I realized today how truly, I am hurting alot deeper than I can understand, I wanted to run back to my dog and never leave the apt again, I was scared and down and realistically I don’t know how I got from store to store. I miss my husband. He is dead. I said that out loud in the car ride to Walmart, I said for probably about the 20th time, “God, my husband is dead”. Like its still sinking into my life like a hot coal I don’t want to touch, b/c it hurts. Yet he isn’t dead, I mean he is alive in heaven and its just that worn out body that broke down on him that died, he lives on with God. I was a little confused I guess about how I’m a widow and not married b/c he died but there wasn’t a divorce. It is not something you can explain to anyone, he left to go to God. I mean I’m happy as I can be for him! I know he is not suffering and happy! I was thinking about my dog, yes my dog, I love her so much, she is such a sweetie, and I thought about if she died and got another owner (family) and if dogs go to heaven, who’s dog would she be? I mean if all her owners were up there and one of those pet parents was me, I guess she would just be free to love us all. I know it sounds ridiculous but I suddenly understood about wives and husbands and death. I thought it was a strange way for God to show me something like that but hey, I’ll take it!

Love making

Love touched me today, softly embracing my being,

it took so much, to reach me, so many layers to get through.

There was this reflection of love in my heart, so softly spoken,

a kindness so gentle, that found me.

I couldn’t see, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t remember me.

Yet there I was, in Gods heart.

S

I’m not going to say it has been easy lately, but I’m trying to see me. I guess what I mean by that is I’m trying to see that I’m still in there through the heart of God, I can start to remember the person I left behind, the part of me I couldn’t find, I’m still going to fall short but I’m trying not to let that disappoint me anymore, I’m whole in God, I belong there, in His heart, and I’m trying to be more forgiving of my short comings.

I was looking at pictures of Gardenias again. I was wondering if the pink ones were real. I think it might be kind of amazing. I’d have to “meet” it first though. Smell it, stare at it, be in awe most likely how God is such a beautifully amazing softie to create such wonderful beautiful flowers for us. AND someone who has the passion and gift to plant and grow them.

I like writing about God b/c noone can get annoyed with me in conversation when I can’t stop talking about Him. lol

Tonight He showed me yet again that He does not want me to be with someone I do not have romantic passion for, that a soft heart, a soft touch, a way to speak through making love is the way He made us. Passion can be lived in many ways but living passionless in romantic love and pleasure I do not believe was ever His intention. I think our Creator saved something so amazing for two ppl becoming one, that love making is a special language that noone can have without it being from Him. I’m not talking about sex for just having sex b/c your suppose to or have sexual desires, or lust, or worldly desires, or sin, I’m talking about the truth, I’m talking about two people having their very own language as one, and it is closer than any other relationship they can have with another, it is as real as it gets. Speaking to each other through that kind of intimacy is so special and I don’t want to live without it ever. To want someone, to tell them you want them, is like saying I can’t hardly wait to come together as lovers do and understand that I want to have a sweet conversation with you again, that can only be through this tender gift that the Creator gave, a language we speak and understand and is so precious and tender and amazing that its not an obligation, its a reflection of His love and it moves me so gently how much He loves us, to give us this, to give us a way to speak in love that is separate from that of friendship, I can imagine when He created us this way He knew it was good, He knew we would be so happy to be able to speak with our bodies, making love this way, passionate pleasure from the heart.

Shout out to God for being awesome !

The One

So I was listening to something that I was lead to and confirmed in scriptures. I was always so confused about how God doesn’t have the one for us that He appointed since He made Eve for Adam and didn’t choose to make a few ppl for him to choose from. I always felt like the person I was meant to be with would help me be a better person and I would do the same for him. Perfect is laughable but perfectly imperfect for me to do Gods will together in this life. We lose focus on houses and jobs, automobiles and life styles. We all fall short in this, I do believe that at some point in our life. Maybe not for long, maybe just for a moment of thinking about it, I realized God doesn’t look at what I own, He looks at my heart. Its simply not about stuff. Its about Him. Its so AMAZING THAT ITS ABOUT HIM! I mean this b/c He is LOVE and we get to be loved by GOD ALLMIGHTY, He cares so much about us that He will guide us to use the best toothpaste for our unique gums. Or He will allow you to be in a place like today, where I wasn’t originally suppose to be driving, or I didn’t think I would be, yet I was grateful to help someone I love out. He is deserving of it. For sure. Anyways, so there it was, the most beautiful sunset I have literally ever seen in my entire life. It was breathtakingly glorious, like the Creator of the Universe painted the sky and showed just a little of His glory, for us to enjoy, He made it pretty for us! Whaaaat. Crazy, yet so true. So of course He cares about your relationship, of course He has that one person that is appointed for you. Genesis 24:14 Appointed. If you read the love story of us in the beginning then you can also read about how Adam had to name all those pairs of animals, male and female, he just have got pretty darn lonely in the process realizing there wasn’t one for him. I can imagine that God was so utterly excited to present him with his Eve. He didn’t say here is Donna and Eve, please decide which one you like better. They of course simply were apart of each other and Gods gifts and blessings will bring a beauty I can not describe in words. A beautiful imperfect love that is given to us by Him and breathed through us to the one we have been given.

He gave his son so our love could be.

This was the song that I mean to post…

Such a beautiful song.

You want to be spoiled

Someone said to me recently something about me wanting to find someone who would spoil me.

No.

I don’t.

I want to be loved, without boundaries and put second under God, and have passion. I want to spoil someone. I want to give them what they deserve in my heart, for the love they so lavishly give to me.

I want them to love me so much they ask God how to love me better. B/c He created me and He knows me best.

I wonder sometimes if the people you think know you the most know you the least.

I want someone who “sees” me.

I want someone that loves God with passion.

I want love, romantic love the way I was created to have it. Intimacy.

Mostly and most importantly I want to be with the one God ordained / appointed me for so we can live out His will together b/c ultimately that is what this life is about.

I don’t want someone that makes me lose sight of that.

Our regret

Do you ever look down and your bleeding? Like something stings a little and you realize there is blood there? Oops

I happened to look down and I guess I cut my hand b/c it was bleeding. It is just a little part of life and a small part on my hand, sometimes we don’t even know its happening, the effects of it all. How does our body take a while sometimes to register pain?

My daughter told me earlier about when she broke her ankle. They asked her if she felt like throwing up? I guess its a common thing to feel that way after breaking something. She didn’t feel that way b/c the pain was greater than the feeling of nausea. She said it took awhile for the pain to wear down before she realized she felt like throwing up. I thought it was how life is, sometimes we feel so much pain, that it takes a minute to catch up with the tragedy. Just the simple body reaction. She sprained it badly and broke it. Yet the shock and the trauma was one part of it. The pain was another. They don’t usually hold hands and dance in unison. It is like life to me I think, at the end of the day I try and just explore the good and the wonderful and the moments I can’t hardly believe are really real. Like tonight, I was with my daughter and we laughed a lot. We put up the Christmas tree and we got under it, under it literally, b/c we are the gift to each other. I love her so much.

I know this couple kind of, not very well really. Everyone always comments on what a good looking couple they are. It is not a bad thing, its just not “the” thing. I don’t really know how to explain that in my heart.

I’m moving forward in my life and sometimes that takes a long road of God bringing the past back. I’m changing. God is changing me, and I know I have set backs sometimes but forward onward I must go! B/c God who is my everything of EVERYTHING, won’t let me fall behind. I don’t deserve any of what He gives, b/c I am so selfish and such a butt butt sometimes but He loves me anyways. He just seems to see me without this fleshly body and knows I love Him too, so very much.

Have you ever been with someone, that when you pour yourself out they think about someone else. You don’t know how you know they do, but they do. I have understood that is how I know that moving on is in my best interest. I cant ever live in someone else’s heart that loves another. I don’t even want to anymore. Some ppl will chase someone, for the rest of their lives and never ever see the person that never left them. I can’t stick around to be the one that waits to be loved. Not anymore.

The woman in me, is like that song by Shania Twain, The Woman In Me (haha)

But when your put last you can’t be first and when your first, the one that is last, can’t live in the shadows forever. That doesn’t have to make sense it just is.

I never left. I have realized that I never left, but sometimes I think God has this amazing plan and if someone has a final chance for whatever reasons to not screw it up but they do anyways bc of free will, they will lose the one they love. They will lose the one they love, not just physical but in their heart. I don’t think God will let someone keep hurting someone they are meant to love. I just want to shut down lately. Run away even. Far way from any place I deem familiar. I don’t belong where my heart lives anymore. So I’m moving on, my heart is moving on.

Gods love wrapped me up, life a gift I can’t replace

His blood, his life, his prayer.

Maybe He cried out to God, b/c He knew how much it cost, for us to realize how much He loves us.

Maybe His final plea was not that of fear as it seems, yet for us to realize, we cost Him the pain He knew we would feel, for our repentance.