I heard you one day, when I was going the wrong way,

You stood in my path, and showed me the way back.

My Savior, my Friend,

Its like every memory doesn’t mean anything, wasted and angry,

life has disappeared.

Its to hard to understand.

Until I see those flowers, you planted for me, they are a memory of when, you reminded me,

I’m more beautiful than a flower to You.

I run like I’m able to outrun my life,

and I find where I am is ok, b/c I can’t describe the memories that can’t repeat again,

I have the beauty of today, and this today I want to be in and be complete.

I saw ocean waves in my dreams and it came so close to drowning me until I saw the comfort of the familiar places I love so much.

I forgive you it seems but I have not yet forgotten, God is Love and I can’t leave what that means.

Healing.

This gigantic hole in me seems to grow only when I feel this discomforting fear of growth, until I feel the pain that allows me to see, how much God really loves me.

Through all the holes in me, and holds in me, He is all I need.

So we dance, like the Braid Paisley song,

He is never closed and i’m never forgotten, in His eyes, we are always dancing.

Our playground

Your little hand out, to raise me up,

into the treehouse of love.

So I didn’t get hurt, following you, wherever you go.

One step missing, you made sure, there was no escaping, your grasp.

Do you see the love in my eyes now, how much I love you still, always will,

my sister, my twin in hindsight, for we shared our war of childhood and made it into a merry go round.

We surrendered to laughter, b/c that was all that couldn’t be stolen.

Laughter and love and the lies we never spoke, never told.

Until our little girl inside turned old but never cold.

Facing the image of our scars, being told, to bury them.

Forever bury them and never remember the pain in each others eyes, but we saw them.

The heart wounds, scars in the making, we saw them, fresh and new, our family battle wounds.

Now as I surrender, I see them as if my eyes are open, my heart is choking.

Just children pretending, dreaming love was given, when we were the only love we had.

Thank you for being the only love I had.

To my sis

Eyes Open Taylor Swift

You don’t want to know me, and that is ok.I forgive you anyway.

Mother:

I know it’s been a cold hard day,

I know you don’t know how to read me a story, about Jesus being born in a manger.

You can’t celebrate the good news, b/c you weren’t loved this way, or taught the joyous truth.

I know you can’t hear my cries, or see the tears in my heart, but I am pretty sure they match your own, from when you were a little girl.

I know you gave all that you had away, and barely kept anything for yourself, to survive day to day, moment to moment, never understanding, you were broken and used, pieces battered and abused, you loved me in all the ways you could, in all the ways you understood love to be given.

I know it is not your fault, he left you when I was in your womb.

You must have been so scared and confused.

You had to be strong, there were decisions to be made, and you didn’t hesitate, to choose my life to be lived, even though it was complicated and you had to leave behind a shattered heart.

Yet here I am today, your living miracle, and you can’t call me that, b/c you don’t believe in such things.

It breaks my heart, that your heart was so broken, abandoned and forgotten, that your voice was not allowed to be spoken.

Yet here I am, loving you still, b/c your heart is golden, bright as the sun shining, to warm me still in all the stolen moments, always inside, never forgotten, living in my heart.

I wish we could have been, the best of friends. Never stripped away by abuse or hidden away in religious views. Never getting back what was stolen, yet we love each other still and we always will.

Father

I knew you existed when I was in school one day and understood, daughters had fathers, and I did not.

I was never taught, about the love that was meant to hold me and keep me safe.

You were just a man, I never met.

Until you became the stories I was told, the nightmares of abuse told by family, your hands of fire that hurt so many, I was that girl, born of that man, that everyone hated.

Left and abandoned by you, in my mothers womb, I guess it was better that way, after all the harm you gave.

Yet I saw you as a little boy, broken and abandoned, hurt and confused, alone and used.

And I forgive you. Not b/c I am commanded to, in no way is it a religious choice, but the heart of love, compassion, and grace given to me, underserved.

We missed out, I was suppose to adore you, and you were suppose to really know me.

It still stings, I still believe there is a place to mourn so deep inside of me where Jesus weeps.

Healing me.

You see I am not saying your actions are ok, b/c they are not, yet I am saying, I’m finally free, to forgive you and be free, healing and loving in a child like heart, innocently and loving with all I’ve got.

Jesus weeps. So do I.

Ok, well …

I haven’t had the worst day and I will tell you why, I woke up. And that makes me so very happy every day I wake up and the simple fact that I am happy about that means that its a great day! Because I’ve woken up before and thought maybe this nightmare is not real. Yet it was. Tonight I feel like a zombie walking around with real info. Is there truth sometimes to life when its just raining? Just let if ducking rain! Today it was dreary and for some reason it reminded me of my most peaceful days when I was younger. I’d walk around with my “boom box” and listen to the music that touched me but it was the dreary (cloudy yet not raining and misty looking, like a soft dream) that made me feel myself inside the very most. I was just a kid. I am not sure why that was always my favorite weather. Not hot, not cold, just real. Silly things come to mind, like how much I liked to run. I didn’t need to get somewhere in a hurry, I just liked to run there and I used to have dreams about running. Flying even. Sometimes I would crash and wake up before the obvious death landing but man was that flying experience worth it! I could fly wherever I wanted.

Life is strange, I am starting to understand it doesn’t have to make sense to me anymore. I don’t want it to.

Have you ever had a day that you have had super good news and really bad news at the same time? You realize your possibly in shock and if you share it with anyone you know they wont really care or be there. Maybe just a fear of mine from past experiences, unless they are people you don’t know, they seem to be nicer than the ones you do sometimes.

So you just keep it there? Inside.

My truth can’t be heard,

he said goodbye, when cancer kissed his face.

I used to know a different space, of love.

Beyond sickness beyond the depths of just wanting to let go of life.

I’m hurting as my soul is exposed, misunderstood and dreaded to be seen, by me.

Look at me, in my eyes and see the chapter of life, drifting away, finally.

For the lights of his eyes, are going out.

Must I wait and see this, like a long intended journey,

surely there is something wonderful in the midst, to come of this.

I’ll see it soon, I’m sure of it.

Looking up to the Great I Am, I wont back down in faith, I won’t be moved from this rock of life, living on the inside, may LOVE be tender with us now.

Caught in the rain with no umbrella

I watch the sunset, on a brand new day
caught in the rain with no umbrella
My thoughts stay with you
as the tears finally fall
Sinking lower than my knees
A lonely plea
Its raining again, real tears
And the sun, it disapears
And in the starry night, I wonder if you knew I wished upon a star in broad daylight
and the tears they fall
caught in the rain with no umbrella
S.W.

Dear butterfly of my soul

I looked up, to catch the sight of your smile
butterflies, an unexpected moment
little flutters, that made my day sway.

Butterflies…
how did you fly,
into me this way?
Making me feel , something that seems so real.
If for a moment you stay, then why do you fly away?
For you spend your life, looking for your mate.

Flutters come and flutters go,
Only love remains.

Butterflies, you took my crush
and flew away
I had nothing that remained.

So what is love? I ask myself, in the flutters of yesterday

My Creator, that made one like myself?

So dear butterflies, if you should come my way,
I won’t mistake you for love,
And I won’t run away.
For getting to know another, finds me wondering
If butterflies can come, when love remains.

S.W.

Little tear of life

Oh little tear of life, so we meet again.

There’s so much you have to say, you speak so gently from my heart.

It wasn’t easy to release you, having to feel in my most vulnerable state.

So here we are again, as gently I wipe you away.

Let this be my prayer today, that you were not in vain.

Oh little tear of life, may we never meet again this way.

May our next embrace be brand new and a little less painful.

Written by SW

Her legacy is love

I gave her gifts offered in love, hoping one day, she would know me enough to only feel love

Can silent love ever possibly be heard?

Through the years she could have never known how much I grew to love her

For through my daughters eyes, she simply adores her

Through their times of distress and moments of love, this woman is full of tenderness, and gives generously

Through all the stories and all the struggles, what matters most, is what she gives so freely and that is her heart, to those she loves

I can’t say that I know her or have ever had that opportunity, but in my mind and in my soul and in my heart she has somehow been apart of me.

Sometimes you see that the Love of God pours in, and I loved her silently, for His gift to me was showing me her courageous, loving, tender and brave heart

She stands for her family in the love that Gods given her

I have felt her heart and the struggles that tire her, she waits on the Lord to strengthen and direct her

She is my silent example of Gods living WORD and Proverbs 31

As LOVE has used her to guide my way as an answered prayer, being heard is not as impactful as being a living example of Gods original plan, she is a virtuous woman from the Great I Am

It has been such a long journey from the beginning to now, to get to see her through the eyes of my child and the heart of my Maker

A wife, A Mother, a Grammy, and so much more than what they see, her heart of gold, shines brightly

She has been broken and wears the scars, she has remained faithful and beautiful in her suffering, humble and on her knees, she rises in His love.

As I walked arm and arm on one side of my daughter and her father on the other side, I realized that we did it the way that honors God, and brings Him glory. For it was His victory to celebrate our daughters success, in a way that honors her as well.

There is not going to be requests from my family to see my daughter being honored, there is not going to be anyone there from my side of the family, I can’t change their path of choices, yet it brought me comfort to see, a fence full of smiling faces proud of my daughter, there to celebrate her, the way I never was. The sweet sounds of Mary was there through her childs child, and I realize, we are all His, we are all family.

This woman knows, she knows her life is not her own, and in that smile she wore Gods heart, as if you could see a woman who is Christ like, I simply saw a woman that is who she was created to be. Love. Tender, sweet and merciful love abounding straight into my heart.

That is what family does, and at the heart of them all, was the woman that kept reminding them, family is everything, b/c she lives every day, celebrating every moment, loving them, cherishing them, believing in them, listening and teaching, learning and giving in their unique truths and individuality. She is a comfort to those she loves, protecting them in prayer, covering them in love, she is the reflection, of HIs heart.

On this night after 18 years, I was afraid and felt alone, yet nothing would have kept me from my daughters side, of being her mother and knowing I belonged there

Feeling unsettled it was just a small moment that I needed to “hear” with my heart

Our eyes met and she smiled at me, it was like the warmest of hugs and being filled with love, and my heart was so gratefully heard and accepted by the one person I least expected but most desired, the one that showed me, the meaning of family. Sacrifice. To be bold and brave and stand up for being a mother doesn’t bring shame. Its the reflection of the creation, the heart of our Maker, the heart of this woman, smiling with her heart, in a voice I heard, and finally felt, accepted.

My Daddy, The King of Kings

Turning circles in my mind,
trying to find a safe haven to just be still.

I ran away from anything painful,

but left me far behind.

Did you really leave the 99 and find me again,

how can I possibly be lost at this point in our relationship God?

Where is it that I ended up now?

Don’t you get tired of leaving the ones that stay on your course?

Just to come find me…lost at sea.
Yet my love for you leaves me calling out your name, yet again.

I’m trying to love You more, and see me less

But I just keep me on my mind, and wonder how, you can change a wretch like me.

Today I talked a lot about myself, I knew You’d listen, as I just feel desperate to find You in me.

As messy as I feel inside, its there I found, you gazing at my face again, loving me tenderly.  

I don’t have to be perfect, I just need to be reminded that Your love for me is unchanged, constant and everlasting. 

Forever You and me, a King and His kid.

False positive

OH my gosh I can’t figure out what my deal is lately. I have been thinking so much on the past and I do not usually think that is a good idea. Part of me feels like its b/c I need to remember things to understand myself. I feel really frustrated and like I’m bumping my head everywhere.

I think life sometimes feels like a million different moments that I play in my head. I always seem to think if I could just go back and do things a little different then maybe I wouldn’t have so many regrets but I didn’t do it all wrong.

I feel like every emotion I have plays against me and what I want to say is I’m over reacting in every feeling I have. Like i should just not feel any of it and just live on the surface of life. When I try and share the deepest parts of me is when there is silence. The truth is we need to be able to share the parts of ourselves that are not understood. People that think being “positive” is the only way, I want to scream in their face to learn the meaning of what that means. Being positive doesn’t mean that you don’t hurt! Being positive doesn’t mean that you are not realistic in life and feeling pain. If you spend your life thinking that being positive means you can’t confront pain then you are sadly missing the point of being positive. It isn’t the absence of pain and reacting to what hurts, its the ability to know its temporary, to know that good will come of it, its not the absence of hurting. I want to smack ignorant “positive” people that disregard someone for hurting over things that simply hurt.

Rascal Flatts WHY