I can turn up the sound,
to my heart,
Find the peace of love there, drown out the rest.
God touched my heart just now, I was on the verge of crying and it wasn’t even necessary to do so. B/c I just can’t keep putting up with being mistreated or excuses as to why its suppose to be ok. I can’t keep defending myself or trying to help ppl know how to speak in love. I run! I will always run from it! So fast, like a hurricane, I will run from what is not love. I don’t want to be afraid of anger anymore. I am trying to turn to God in mine and not say anything I will regret. You can’t help someone else find that same path. You just can’t. I am not perfect but I’m learning fast not to return anger with anger and just to pray and walk away from it, actually to run from it! Run! Run run run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Especially when someone is pointing their wagging finger in your face…again. I can’t. I won’t.
It is crazy to me how God can turn me from anger to peace when in my anger I choose love and its not easy! I want to lash out and cause harm b/c I’m hurt but it doesn’t help me, it only hurts me and the other person that I care about and it is not worth it.
Can two broken ppl actually make it together? I don’t know. I really don’t. We are all broken in some way and sometimes I think we need to be broken together sometimes. Like in that song by Casting Crowns Broken Together.
I am just not sure I can handle everything always being turned around to cause harm to me. I don’t understand why love can’t win. Why you need to feel like hurting me is better than loving me. Why lashing out is better than soft words. Why treating me like I’m ridiculous is ok to you? Is that love?
Words are like knives to the heart. Thrown and thrown and thrown until I want to leave. I want to walk away. I want to believe that love is not suppose to harm each other. So if two personalities do this, how can we be ok together?
Kind words are suppose to turn away anger I guess. But they seem to just bring harsh words that make me cry and that doesn’t even matter? When you hurt someone to the point of tears you can’t do anything worse can you? You have already broken them! You have already made them cry! You can’t expect love to draw from that empty cup. Tears are hard to handle and when they fall it means I have finally come apart at the seams.
I am so far from perfect every stone could be cast at me. Yet love doesn’t cast stones.